Jokes

Good Deads

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago
 

Gold

Mr. Gates was near death. He had heard “you can't take it with you.” But, he made a deal with God so that he could take some with him.

He packed a suitcase with gold bars and when he died he “took it with him.” He got to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said, “you can't bring luggage into heaven.” Mr. Gates said, “yes I can, I spoke to God about it.” Saint Peter checked with God and then told Mr Gates that, yes he could bring it in.

Saint Peter then said “This is so unusual, I sure am curious to see what you have in there. Could I take a look?” Mr. Gates said,"sure," and opened his case.
 

Saint Peter looked inside. “Pavement? You brought pavement?”
 

Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.
 

Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer ...... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 

Changing Churches

A man was stranded alone on a desert island for many years. When he was rescued there were three buildings on the island. "What are these three buildings? the rescuers asked. "This one is my home and the second one is my church." "And the third building?" "That's the church I used to go to!"
 

A Brain Puzzler:

An electric train is traveling due south. The wind is coming from the east, which way will the trains' smoke blow?

Answer to Brain Puzzler:

Electric trains don't give off smoke.
 

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a  university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second  engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, 
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, 
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what 
you want." 

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good 
choice;  the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as  it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those blokes? 

We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The  priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper.  Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free 
anytime." 

The group fell silent for a moment. 

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's 
anything he can do for them." 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical  engineer. Just look at all the joints." 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has 
many thousands of electrical connections." 

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil  engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me  back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned It to the pocket. The frog then cried  out, "If you kiss me 
and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do
ANYTHING you want." 

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one
week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time 
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Jesus is watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. As he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

After nearly jumping out of his skin, the thief clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus..."

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last chance.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."